I am falling into another depressed phase. I can feel it approaching. This time I’m not just going to sit back and let it happen though. I want to fight it. I’m willing to fight it. That’s a huge change from how I’ve felt in the recent past. I still recall telling my therapist that “I”m content and I don’t feel like changing” and then I went home early. That attitude has changed. Now, I want to get and feel better. I spoke with my therapist last Tuesday and we made a plan to get me back on track.
Step One is getting my sleep schedule back on track. Lately I’ve been sleeping throughout the days and staying awake almost all night long. That has got to change. I thought I had a good handle on this earlier this week but I was thrown off track by a night of vivid dreams and horrible nightmares that made me actually afraid to go to sleep again ever. Obviously, I have slept since then but only a few hours at a time whenever I’m just too tired to be awake. I slept most of last night, even went to bed at a reasonable hour, and planned to stay awake all day yesterday but that didn’t work out. I was so tired, exhausted, and depressed that I again slept throughout the day. I probably would have slept through tonight but I was worried I was slipping into another depression and I need to be proactive about that. I needed to get up and work in order to stop those thoughts and behaviors. So, the “getting my sleep schedule back on track” part of it is still “in the works”.
Step Two is getting out more as in outside. The weather is nice out if you don’t mind the occasional heat wave or severe thunderstorm. I promised my therapist that once I got my sleep back on track, I would start taking daily walks with Aayla even if they’re just short 10 minute walks, anything is better than nothing. Between the exercise, the fresh air, and getting out of my safe-zone, my therapist promises me this will be very helpful and beneficial to me. I promised to try it and I was being honest. I haven’t started the walking yet but that’s because my sleep is still messed up. I’m now thinking that maybe forcing myself to stay awake and go outside for a short walk during the day will be helpful to start as soon as possible. It’s currently 4am Sunday. Later today, I’ll take Aayla out for a short walk. I’m determined to do that. It will be good for Aayla too. She’s been a little too lethargic lately.
Step Three is eating better. I admit it, I got so discouraged that I wasn’t losing weight fast enough that I gave up on the diet and started eating junk food again. Junk food is quick, easy, and readily available. I feel terrible every time I eat junk food because I know it’s not helping me in any way, shape, or form. Last time I went shopping, I didn’t buy any junk food. I can’t eat something I don’t have! I also bought some salad though I haven’t started eating it yet. I need to start cooking again. Maybe once I get those other two steps covered, I’ll feel more like cooking again. She also told me to stop looking at scales. This is no longer about losing weight. This is solely about eating better to get feeling better. If I lose weight via eating better, that will just be a good side effect. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m counting on that side effect but I will do as she said and no longer weigh myself every other week. I’ll focus on how I feel rather than what effect my eating habits are having on my weight.
That’s the plan we laid out for now. We wanted to keep it simple with quickly/easily reachable goals. I am determined to stick to it and I’ll keep you updated on my progress.
As for how I’m feeling right now… Other than feeling a depression closing in on me, I’ve been have some anxiety attacks (not to be confused with panic attacks) and some weird phenomena is happening where I feel bugs crawling on my arms and legs but when I look, there’s nothing there. I can even look and see nothing but sometimes the feeling will persist, while other times looking makes it go away. I don’t understand it at all. I saw my medical doctor last Tuesday as well but stupid me forgot about this until I walked out the door. I see the psych doctor soon and I’ll tell her about this and see what she thinks. I’m not sure when I see her next though I’m sure it’s soon because it’s been a while. If all else fails, I’ll go back to my medical doctor. My headaches come and go. Most of the time they are manageable and the muscle relaxer pills my medical doctor gave me seem to help a great deal most of the time. I rarely have to take pain pills now which is great. She also finally gave me medication to help my allergies which I’ve had problems with for months. I’m still waiting for the medicines to kick in but I think the allergy thing is getting a bit better? My psych doctor gave me a new medicine for anxiety attacks last time I saw her and it seems to be working very well. I also like that the new anxiety medication isn’t a controlled substance like Ativan but something that’s not habit forming called Atarax.