Back in October, I thought/hoped things were turning around for the better and I was going to be able to get back into the swing of things. By the time November rolled around, I realized how premature that thought had been. In the past two months I’ve been physically sick to varying degrees almost the entire time. The worst of it happened right before Xmas and has thankfully since passed. Now I’m mainly battling fatigue and muscle weakness as I try to get myself back into working order. I still sleep too much but I’m forcing myself to stay awake longer each day and also attempting to increase my activity level. I honestly hate being sick. I’d rather be working on my art projects than drowning in misery.

While physically I still feel like shit, mentally I’m doing fairly well. I’m not terribly depressed or having dark thoughts. I’m mainly just in an apathetic limbo at the moment. Being sick and not being able to do much of anything has of course brought me down but I’m dealing with it about as well as I possibly can. Once I’m able to do more work and maybe get out of the house more, I’ll get to feeling better all around.

Lost Dolls
Lost Dolls

As mentioned, my work has suffered while I have, well, suffered. My alleged schedule for my art projects is now off by about two or three months. Next to nothing has been done while I was out sick. This both saddens and infuriates me. I managed to create a new artwork or two this week though I’m uncertain of one of them. I’m right now back at work on this blog site and I intend to get back to work on the Shelby Bly Project before the year ends in a few days. I have a 3D character almost ready for sale (Nicola 3); I just need to create the promotional renders then submit it to Renderosity. It’s mostly just a matter of sitting myself down with a lot of coffee and doing the work that needs to be done.

Okay, maybe I was wrong about to say “no dark thoughts” earlier. I am having a lot of self-doubt about my abilities as an artist. I keep looking at my art as not only “not good enough” but also as “I will never be able to make anything good enough”. I feel like giving up on so many fronts. I’m having an internal battle with myself over whether to continue my art projects or just completely give up on everything. If I gave up, what else could I possibly do? I have no answer for that. That’s why I have to keep pressing on and doing my art. There’s just nothing else for me.

My Xmas was pretty good even though I was sick for most of it. My aunt gave me an Amazon gift card that I still haven’t decided on how to spend but that I’m ever grateful for. My mom gave me new shoes (my former pair of sneakers are over 8 years old and starting to fall apart) they’re Sketchers and super comfy. Mom also gave me the new laptop that I’ve been begging for for about three years now. I’m using it right now. My brother gave me chocolates which are now gone but were oh so delicious. I was too sick to meet his family for Xmas brunch or visit my aunt and uncle for Xmas dinner. I’ve just been staying at home trying not to get sicker. I do hope to get out sometime very soon and go see Star Wars VIII The Last Jedi before it leaves theaters. I missed seeing Thor Ragnarok in theaters. I guess I could buy the Thor movie on blu-ray with my gift card once it comes out.

That’s enough rambling for a while. I need to get to work on something, anything.